Guess what? I'm back! I've been pondering all week about how to begin this post to explain my absence, and I still have no clue. I could blame it on the hecticness of raising a family or my work schedule, but those would be excuses. In reality, it's more complicated and complex than just being too busy.
In fact, neglecting this blog was one of the first signs that life was headed in a direction that wasn't for me. As adults, we are expected to work our asses off, have a nice house, provide our kids with a great life, and conform to the societal mold.
I have spent years trying to fit into everyone else's version of perfection because I just never felt good enough...for anyone...not even myself.
As a parent, this pressure not to screw up is unbearably heavy. For me, the pressure was a normal part of life. I never felt accepted or loved for who I was, so I tried to contort myself into the person everyone else wanted me to be. I thought that's just how life is, but no matter how hard I tried to fulfill that image, nothing ever seemed right.
Even as a small child, I looked around at people laughing, smiling, and loving life without a care in the world. I assumed the lack of joy was just one more thing wrong with me. I could never be that free. I was an insecure, anxious, and awkward child with no place to fit in. Eventually, I manifested into an angry, suicidal, and numb teenager that craved love in all the wrong places because, for a second, it gave me a brief glimpse of what it felt like to be wanted and accepted.
As I got older and supposedly smarter, I started to wonder if happiness would ever find me? It wasn't for lack of trying. It just felt like something inside of me was broken.
As I started my family, the pressure of perfectionism consumed my every thought. I couldn't fail my husband or my children, but in doing so, I failed myself the most.
My life was and is still amazing. I have the best husband and 4 spectacular children. I have a great career, a nice house, and live the American Dream. I am so thankful and appreciative of the life I have; however, I longed to be more than just existing.
Don't get me wrong, my life is more than I ever imagined, but was I happy? Did I really love who I was, where I was headed, or who I had turned into? No...
I accepted this as life and continued on my merry little way, with one day endlessly bleeding into the next. You know the drill -- work, kids, bills, etc. But then my world was ripped from underneath me. My very existence was stripped away. I felt like the flesh had been peeled off my body, and my soul was exposed to the bitter elements as I screamed in silence.
I truly felt like there was no way to move on from the bleeding wounds, but then I made a decision that changed my life.
I would no longer spend one more second feeling this way.
Life is short. So, so short. Time passes by in the blink of an eye. Our existence on this planet is really just a snap of the fingers. Why spend even 5 minutes of your time and energy on anything but being happy?
You can get irritated by someone or something you can't control and spend the rest of the day pissed off. Or you can accept it and choose not to let the negativity dictate your day.
It's up to you how you spend your time on this planet.
It's up to you to decide how you are going to feel.
It's up to you to be productive with your time to live up to your life's potential.
They call it the pursuit of happiness, but it really isn't a chase. It's a choice. A decision to walk away from anything that doesn't support your goal of inner peace. If situations and people around you aren't a benefit to your success, don't waste your time, energy, or happiness.
You deserve to dedicate the best parts of yourself where they are appreciated.
Every day, we wake up with the choice to do better than the day before. It doesn't have to be some huge act of kindness or sacrifice. Instead, it can be turning off your phone and doing something you enjoy, like taking a walk or chatting with a friend.
I know, I know, you're too busy to find time for yourself. Bullshit!
There is a difference between being busy and productive. You can run around from sun up to sun down but not be productive. It's a matter of valuing your time and energy. You don't want to look back and say you were just too busy to be happy.
Instead, your goal should be to be productive, which isn't getting up for work in the morning or washing endless loads of laundry. It means doing things that help you reach your ultimate goal-- happiness.
Don't ditch your job or daily responsibilities, but be aware of where you allocate your time and if it supports your wellness. Don't feel guilty for taking a day off of work to just breathe and do things that benefit you. Take a nap. Say no to someone. Eat a carton of ice cream. Anything! As long as it supports who you want to be.
Make a conscious effort to dedicate your energy to what inspires you. At the end of the day, you won't feel stressed about all the things you didn't get done or the growing to-do list for tomorrow. You can rest easy with an overwhelming sense of peace and accomplishment because you've spent your time making your life better.
Stop chasing something you will never be able to catch. You will spend your whole life running aimlessly when in reality, it comes down to the decisions you make throughout the day. You'll find life is a lot less stressful when you are conscious about what you let into your life.
Maybe I shouldn't say "I'm back" because the old me is long gone. Instead, welcome to the random thoughts that run through my head as I continue to become the best I can be. Don't like me? There's the door.
